


Maybe “Hey bitch” can be our “H”

by thealpacalypse



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Lesbian Character, Romance, Useless Lesbians, so I took it upon me, we desperately need more druck wlw fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 04:57:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14371383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealpacalypse/pseuds/thealpacalypse
Summary: Okay, sure, maybe Mia is what the kids call a 'useless lesbian'. But luckily she's got a flat mate who is much too nosy and too involved in her love life, and maybe she's gonna get a chance to get to know Hanna better after all...





	Maybe “Hey bitch” can be our “H”

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Hey Bitch!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14253438) by [thealpacalypse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealpacalypse/pseuds/thealpacalypse). 



> Soooo this translation took a while, I'm sorry. Anyway, I love my useless lesbian Mia (though I'm sure she's gonna end up being way more functional than this, she's just a little shy), and I didn't want to wait for Druck to finally give her the gay flat mates she deserves, so I made up my own versions of Eskild and Linn.
> 
> So, I'm following the clips up until ep 3 and I'm referring directly to some of Hanna's actual [instagram posts](https://www.instagram.com/ha.nnanananana/).
> 
> The title of the fic comes directly from [this tumblr post](https://alexiamartineau.tumblr.com/post/172524850769/maybe-hey-bitch-can-be-our-h).
> 
> This is not beta'd yet, sorry!

“Oh la la, who’s that?” Joel asks, grinning widely. Saturday afternoon. He sits in the kitchen, his legs on the table, and he’s stolen Mia’s laptop. Again.

Mia barely looks up from her book. “Who?“

Joel springs to his feet immediately, flops down onto the couch right next to Mia, turns the laptop towards her and points at a picture on Instagram. _Shit_. Mia should have closed that tab.

“She looks cute,” Joel grins and keeps on browsing through the pictures. “Pretty face. Great hair. Oh, and – what’s that? Her boyfriend? Ooooohhhh…” He gives Mia a pitiful look.

She really wants to take the laptop away from him, but that would be too dramatic. Too suspicious. She rolls her eyes instead. “It’s not like that.”

Joel raises his eyebrows and puts an arm around her shoulder. They haven’t known each other for that long actually, after all, Mia just moved in here, but Joel is just that kind of person: way too nosy, maybe a little shameless even, but nice. And very cuddly. Mia doesn’t mind, but she hasn’t gotten used to it yet either.  

“Oh?” Joel asks. “What’s it like then?”

Mia turns red. Just a little, maybe Joel won’t even notice. The thing is, she really doesn’t have an explanation why she stared at that picture for so long last night after coming home from the party. Without giving Hanna a follow. She didn’t dare to, they had only talked for two minutes, tops.

“I see,” Joel simply says.

Mia says nothing.

***

On Thursday, when Mia cooks lunch, she has almost forgotten about the whole thing. It really wasn’t a big deal anyway, those two minutes. Probably less, if Mia is being honest with herself.

Joel scuffs into the kitchen wearing nothing but boxers, showing clear signs of a mean hangover. “Fuck yes, home fries!” he comments on Mia’s cooking, plunks down into a chair and presses his face against the cool table top.

Mia is just about to tell him that he could make his own food for once when Joel lets out a small pathetic sound somewhere between a groan and a whimper, and Mia can’t help it, she takes pity on him.

They eat in silence until Joel slowly comes back to life and tells a wild story about his night out partying – something about a stolen bike and super hot twins, of whom only one was gay apparently, Mia can’t quite follow. But it makes her laugh, and Joel seems content.

“You should really come along sometime,” Joel says then. “I can show you a couple cool clubs and bars and stuff, in Kreuzberg and Schöneberg and Neukölln, depending on what you’re into.”

Mia hesitates. Sure, it would be kind of nice to get to know the local scene a bit, after all, she wasn’t out when she last was in Berlin. But she isn’t really in the mood for partying these days – not in a way that could make her keep up with Joel.

But he seems eager. “Come on, it’s going to be great, you’ll see! Berlin is full of hot people, we’re sure gonna find a girl for you.” He winks at Mia.

She rolls her eyes and smiles. “Maybe on the weekend, alright?”

“Yaaaasss!!“ Joel seems satisfied with that, grins at her triumphantly and shoves the rest of the fried potatoes in his mouth before he pushes his plate away. “Speaking of hot people,” he says, his mouth still half full. “I’ve got to show you that guy I made out with at the deep house party – a dream, honestly! Hold on –”

And he pulls Mia’s laptop close as if it was the most natural thing in the world, puts in her password and opens the browser. Mia has given up on saying anything about it – Joel would only grin anyway and say something weird like “my stuff, your stuff, those are just bourgeois categories.”

And then suddenly, she’s distracted anyway because Joel has opened Instagram and she recognizes a name in her notifications. “Oh…” she breathes out quietly and puts her hand on Joel’s arm to stop him from scrolling. She gives her a confused look, then looks at the screen.

There’s a follow request from Hanna.

It takes a couple of seconds for Joel to catch up. “Well, well,” he grins then, “if that isn’t the girl with the great hair…”

Mia rubs her face. Her cheeks feel warm.

Joel uses this short moment of perplexity to accept Hanna’s request.

“Joel!”

“Well then, let’s see…” Joel just says and starts scrolling through Hanna’s profile. “What, you’re not following her yet?” he asks and immediately clicks on ‘Follow Back’ before Mia can protest. “What’s the use of all this pining if you’re not even showing her you’re interested?”

Mia feels very hot suddenly. “I’m not pining!”

“Sure…” Joel just replies. Then he nudges her softly, with a conspiratorial grin. “But you are interested in her, right?”

Mia closes her eyes and sighs deeply, but then she nods. Joel would never let go of it otherwise.

“There we go.” Joel grins smugly. Then he clicks on one of Hanna’s older selfies and likes it.

Mia stares in horror and swats Joel’s hand away from the keyboard. “What are you doing?” Her voice sounds way more alarmed than intended.

“Mia.” Joel turns towards her and takes both of her hands in his. “Okay, listen, and look into my eyes.” He makes a dramatic pause and waits until Mia actually looks at him before he continues. “I’m your gay guru now, and my homo honour won’t allow me to stand by and watch while you make yourself comfortable in your non-existent love life. Never heard of 20gayteen? This is our year, baby!”

Mia has to grin. „Do you always make such big speeches?”

“Only if it’s necessary,“ Joel replies and grins back at her. “So, what do you think?”

Mia rolls her eyes. “What about her boyfriend though?”

“Huh.” Joel skims through a couple of Hanna’s posts before he says, “maybe they’re not even together anymore? Look, her last picture with him is from February, and here, the latest picture, an empty bed, and the caption says ‘I miss you’. Maybe she needs a little consolation and distraction?“ He winks at Mia. She really doesn’t want to know what he has in mind.

She sighs. “Okay. So what now?”

Joel claps his hands excitedly, then rolls up his imaginary sleeves. “Now we’re going to like all of her posts.”

“What?! Don’t you always say that the first rule of Instagram is not to like any old pictures?”

Joel laughs, pulls the laptop closer again and clicks on one of the fotos – a really nice one, black and white. Mia’s heart beats a little faster when she takes in the bright smile and the closed eyes. “Oh Mia, my young padawan,” Joel says. “You’ve got so much to learn.”

***

When Mia comes home the next Thursday, there’s not only Joel in their kitchen, but Linda as well, much to Mia’s surprise. Linda is her other flat mate, the one she barely ever sees.

“Mia!” Joel shouts. “Perfect, come join us, we need a third person to play Mau Mau!”

Mau Mau? Sometimes Mia really wonders what she has gotten herself into with this flat.

“No way,” she says decidedly. “I have a bone to pick with you.” She glares at Joel as angrily as she can. “Why didn’t you tell me that Hanna messaged me on Instagram? You know that I don’t have the app! She said you read her messages?”

“What?” Joel asks confusedly, and Linda, just as confused, simultaneously asks, “Who is Hanna?”

Joel pulls his phone out of his pocket, logs into Mia’s Instagram account and opens the messages. His eyes go wide. “Oh shit, that was her?” He shrugs his shoulders awkwardly before he says, “I just thought she was some random girl calling you a slut, I really didn’t know that it was so important.”

Linda crosses her arms over her chest. “Can somebody explain to me what’s going on?”

Mia frowns. She really doesn’t get Linda yet, she feels like she barely knows her, but especially considering that, Linda is really nosy. No wonder she gets along with Joel so well.

“Mia has the hots for that girl –” Joel begins, but Mia interrupts him. “I don’t have the hots for her!” It makes her blush to even say it like that.

Joel raises his eyebrows. “What would you call it then?”

“I –“ Mia begins, clears her throat, begins again, “I just want to get to know her, okay? She’s nice.”

“And that’s why she calls you a slut?” Linda doesn’t seem convinced.

“No, that was just an in-joke,” Mia explains. “We met at a party and – oh, never mind that now. What am I supposed to write back?”

Joel leaps up, puts his hands on Mia’s shoulders and steers her to the free chair at the kitchen table. Then he places his phone on the table top so that all three of them can read the messages.

“Oh wow,” Linda says after a moment of silence. “You really made that one nervous as fuck, didn’t you?” She sounds impressed.

Mia bites her lip and gives Linda a sheepish look. “You really think?”

Linda grins.

Joel sighs dramatically. “Damn, I really don’t want to be that guy, but you two –” he gesticulates between Mia and the messages on the phone, “– are definitely what they call ‘useless’ on tumblr these days.”

“Useless?” Mia frowns. She wanted advice, not insults.

Joel smirks. “Only in the best way, obviously.” Then he takes the phone, types something in, and only when he hits send, Mia is able to read it. ‘Hey bitch.’

„Fuck, Joel, you can’t just call her a bitch like that!” she yells. Damnit, why is there no option to delete sent messages?

Linda leans over Mia’s shoulder and grabs the phone. “What did he do? Let me see!“

Of course Mia tries to get the phone out of reach, but it’s too late – Linda has already grabbed it and holds it tight with one hand while using her other hand to fend off Mia’s attempts to get it back. Damn, she’s much stronger than she looks.

“I just thought, because of the inside joke –” Joel tries to defend himself, pouting, but Linda interrupts him, shouting, “she replied!”

Now, even Joel helps Linda to keep the phone from Mia, while Mia grows consistently more desperate to get it back. It’s a downright plot against her.

“Is that you now or your flatmate?” Linda reads aloud.

Joel claps excitedly. “Yay, she heard of me, I’m famous!”

“Don’t you dare!” Mia shrieks, but it’s too late – she can only watch as Linda types something into the phone and hits send. That’s it. Even if Hanna has a boyfriend and Mia doesn’t have the slightest chance with her, she really doesn’t want to make a fool out of herself in front of that girl. She jumps up suddenly, knocks over her chair, and in the short moment of shock the loud noise creates, she grabs the phone from Linda’s hand.

Linda has sent a lewdly grinning smiley face. Right in this moment, Hanna texts back a thinking emoji.

While Mia manages to get some space between herself and her awful flat mates, she begins to type and reads it out aloud. “My flat mate only stalks guys on insta who have more hair on their backs than on their heads.” And, “Would you consider yourself one of those?“

“Lies and slander!” Joel protests. “You know full well that I only go for twunks!”

Linda snorts with laughter, and Mia can hold back her own laugh only barely. “You deserve it,” she says as serious as possible, even though it’s hard. Her heart beats loud and fast, she suddenly feels so warm and strangely light-headed.

“Hanna says that she wants to meet you,” she explains then, because the curious looks in her back are making her even more jittery. “You… really… don’t,“ she murmurs as she types.

‘Lol’

_Well, shit_. “She writes ‘lol’. What does that mean? What should I say?”

Joel throws his arms into the air in desperation. “You really are useless, wow! She wants to meet me is code for ‘Invite me to your place’, you waffle! Go on, ask her what she’s doing this weekend!”

Mia bites her lower lip. “But –”

“No buts, or do you want me to write it instead?”

In that case, Mia really rather wants to do it herself. Half a minute later, after Hanna’s status goes from ‘typing…’ to nothing and back again a couple of times, Hanna finally says, ‘Nothing special so far. Wanna go out for coffee?’ And just seconds later, an added ‘or whatever’.

Mia looks up from the phone. Her face hurts from grinning so widely. She presses her lips together.

“And…?” Joel asks.

Mia hides her blushing face behind the phone when she replies, “I might have a date.”

“Wohooo!!” Joel punches his fists into the air, does a little dance and high-fives Linda. “Can I get my phone back now?”

Mia quickly types “love to :)”, and that they should discuss the details via WhatsApp (she adds her phone number), only then she dares to go back to her flat mates. She gives Joel his phone back.

Joel nods contentedly when he reads the messages, Linda reading along over his shoulder.

“You should really get the insta app”, Joel says then and puts his phone away.

Mia grins, sits back at the table with the others and pours herself a glass of juice. “Don’t worry, I will,” she says. “And I’ll change my password along with it. And my laptop’s password, too.”

Joel gasps indignantly. „You wouldn’t!”

Mia shrugs and smiles. Nothing can ruin her good mood now.

She’s got a date with Hanna.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! leave a review if you liked it and I'll love you forever, or come cry with me about how gay the whole girl gang is on my tumblr [thealpacalypse.tumblr.com](http://www.thealpacalypse.tumblr.com). love <3


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